Jack Bauer Facts - #3

Jack Bauer never has to preheat the oven.

If Jack Bauer says "Dammit!" more than once in a 24 hour period, don't be in L.A.

When Google can't find something, it asks Jack Bauer for help.

Don't ask what Jack Bauer would do for a Klondike bar.

Jack Bauer can do one handed push-ups with no hands.

On his days off from CTU Jack Bauer helps old ladies cross the road. He does this by staring at oncoming cars. On the freeway.

In kindergarten, Jack Bauer killed a terrorist for Show and Tell.

If Jack Bauer were to be elected President of the United States, Iraq would be a democratic nation.

One of the best kept secrets of 24 is that every season of 24 happens on the summer solstice. That is why Jack always says, "Today is the longest day of my life."

Let's get one thing straight, the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you.

As a child, Jack Bauer's first words were "There's no time!"

Jack Bauer once killed a coworker who had skin cancer. Jack Bauer hates moles.

Jack Bauer's family threw him a surprise birthday party when he was a child. Once.

Jack Bauer types in ALL CAPS just so you know he's yelling.

In high school, Jack Bauer got a job working as a department store Santa. He was fired after he tortured a child to tell him her Christmas list.

Jack Bauer flosses with barb wire.

Jack is sorry for your loss, but he needs you to focus on the primary objective right now.

Losing a colleague or loved one for Jack Bauer is comparable to the feeling of missing the elevator for most people.

A minister, a priest, and a rabbi walked into a bar. The minister was a terrorist and was immediately shot by Jack Bauer.

Simon Says should be renamed to Jack Bauer Says because if Jack Bauer says something then you'd better do it.

Jack Bauer yells at his cell phone to recharge it.

Jack Bauer is never caught in traffic. That is because other vehicles fear Jack Bauer and stay out of his way.

Jack Bauer loves reality TV. That's why he allows FOX to follow him around.

Jack Bauer once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves.

Jack Bauer always gets checkmate in one move.

Jack Bauer can hit two birds with no stones.

Every guy that dates Jack's daughter loses a limb. Coincidence? I think not.

Jack Bauer knows what you did last summer.

Fox executives once tried to cancel 24.... but Kiefer Sutherland asked " Are you a mole?" and it was never tried again.

When the doctor who delivered Jack Bauer saw that baby Jack wasn't crying, he spanked him. Baby Jack then turned around and broke the doctor's neck. Jack Bauer does not enjoy being spanked.

Jack Bauer once mistook a box of bullets for Cheerios in his cereal. He didn't even notice.

Jack Bauer can watch all 4 seasons of 24 in 24 hours.

'Flank 2' actually means, "Stand down CTU, I've got this under control."

Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

Jack Bauer doesn't lose weight, weight loses Jack Bauer.

There once was a man from Nantucket. Jack Bauer shot him.

Jack Bauer actually finishes every mission in under five minutes. The 24 hours is just creative editing.

God rested on the 7th day. Jack Bauer will be spending his 7th day working his usual triple shift without sleep. Lazy God.

Killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry.

The ancient Chinese built the Great Wall of China not to repel the Mongols, but rather to repel Jack Bauer. It failed when he attacked over the Himalayas.

When Jack Bauer watches a pot, it boils immediately.

Before heroin, Jack Bauer tried becoming addicted to speed... but it only slowed him down.

Every time you masturbate Jack Bauer kills a terrorist. Not because you masturbated, but because that is how often he kills terrorists.