Jack Bauer Facts - #4

In grade school, a little boy punched Kim, and she ran home to tell her dad. That little boy's name? Stephen Hawking.

Jack Bauer is the only man thus far to make Elisha Cuthbert call him daddy.

You're either with Jack Bauer or against him. If you're against Jack Bauer, you're either dead or will be soon.

When Jack Bauer gets within ten miles of you, you automatically start sweating.

If Jack Bauer asks you to trust him you are compelled by your DNA to do what he says.

When terrorists go to hell, if they say Jack Bauer sent them, they'll get a group discount.

Jesus died and rose from the dead in 3 days. It took Jack Bauer less than an hour. And he's done it twice.

In God we trust, but God trusts Jack Bauer.

Reading facts about Jack Bauer is more additive than heroin.

Jack Bauer's calender goes from March 31st to April 2nd. No one fools Jack Bauer.

Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.

Guns don't kill people, Jack Bauer does.

Jack Bauer ordered Batman to name his sidekick Robin as a joke.

Jack Bauer was once allergic to the animal known as the Dodo Bird. Long story short, the Dodo bird is now extinct.

You can lead a horse to water. Jack Bauer can make him drink.

Everytime Jack Bauer yells "NOW!" at the end of a sentence, a terrorist dies.

When God said, "Let there be light," it was so Jack Bauer could see who he was going to shoot.

When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer hates lemonade.

Jack Bauer has never pressed the Play button on his answering machine. Upon hearing beeps, he tortures the device until it gives up the messages.

When Jack Bauer goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

To sleep, Jack tortures himself to death, then wakes up fifteen minutes later.

Jack Bauer is the leading cause of death in Middle Eastern men.

If Jack Bauer was on Oceanic Flight 815, he'd have been off the Island with 23 hours & 59 minutes to spare.

If Jack and MacGyver were locked in a room together, Jack would make a bomb out of MacGyver and get out.

Jack Bauer can get McDonald's breakfast after 10:30.

Those guys on Prison Break should give up, Jack Bauer will only hunt them down next season.

Oil and water don't mix, unless Jack Bauer tells them to.

When Jack Bauer takes a dump he doesn't have to flush because his crap is so scared of him it goes straight to the drain by itself.

Franklin D. Roosevelt once said, "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself." Little did he know fear itself fears Jack Bauer.

The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Jack Bauer has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

Osama bin Laden's recent proposal for truce is a direct result of him finding out that Jack Bauer is, in fact, still alive.

Jack Bauer's cell phone ring is not set to 'vibrate' on purpose. Letting the terrorists know where he is hiding is all part of his bigger plan.

Instead of buzzing, Jack Bauer's alarm clock screams out "THERE'S NO MORE TIME!"

Jack was going to cut Chase's hand off anyway. The bomb just gave him an excuse.

You will tell Jack Bauer what he wants to know. It's just a matter of how much you want it to hurt.

Jack Bauer has never taken a dump that has lasted more than 4 minutes and 37 seconds. Due to the graphic nature of these dumps, however, they are taken during commercial breaks.

Jack Bauer named his cat Chuck Norris. Why? Because he's a pussy.

Jack Bauer does not care for names. Every entry in his address book is simply labeled "Son of a Bitch."