Jack Bauer believes in Divine Election because he understands what it means to control everything.
Jack Bauer is a Complimentarian- everyone submits to him.
Jack Bauer once questioned the authenticity of the Bible, so he brought the authors back to life and tortured them until he was convinced they were telling the truth.
Jesus will return when Jack Bauer dies. The problem is that he keeps coming back to life.
Jack Bauer knows whether the earth is “young” or “old,” but no one’s successfully tortured it out of him.
For Jack Bauer, confrontation is the only form of evangelism.
1/3 of the angels fell when Jack Bauer kicked them out of heaven for not telling him who they worked for.
Jack Bauer is proof of Intelligent Design.
Luckily, the Egyptians gave in after the 10th plague because number 11 was going to be Jack Bauer. (HT: Amy)
The 10 spies gave a bad report because they saw Jack Bauer.
Jack Bauer is his own accountability partner and community.
When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer hates lemonade.
If you’re holding a gun to Jack Bauer’s head, don’t count to three before you shoot. Count to 10. That way, you get to live 7 seconds longer. Jack Bauer is the leading cause of death in Middle Eastern men.
When Jack Bauer was a child, he made his mother finish his vegetables.
When the boogie man goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Jack Bauer.
Jack Bauer once called the Vice President "Mr. President", but realized his mistake and shot the President. Jack Bauer is never wrong.
My parents told my little brother and I that Jack Bauer was "just a television character". We are now orphans.
When Jack Bauer and Chuck Norris met for the first time, they didn't shake hands. They fought to the death. Jack Bauer won.
Jack Bauer removed the "Escape" button from his keyboard. Jack Bauer never needs to escape.
Jack Bauer makes onions cry.
Superman's only weakness is Kryptonite. Jack Bauer laughs at Superman for having a weakness.
Jack Bauer has been to Mars. Thats why there's no life on Mars.
After running out of ammo, Jack stood in the line of fire, took 3 shots to the chest, and used them to reload.
Jack Bauer got Helen Keller to talk.
If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice.
Kim Bauer was an accident. Not even the pill can stop Jack Bauer.
During the commercials, Jack Bauer calls the CSI detectives and solves their crimes.
Jack Bauer can get McDonald's breakfast after 10:30.
when fox executives cancelled arrested development because more people watched it than season 3 of 24, jack bauer approved of their preemptive decision and chose to let [most of] them live.
jack bauer loves bunnies. they make great knife-throwing practice targets.