Jack Bauer Facts #1

A Zen student once asked his master: "Does Jack Bauer seek enlightenment?" To which the Zen master replied "No, enlightenment seeks Jack Bauer." At that moment, the student became enlightened.

If you wake up in the morning, it's because Jack Bauer spared your life.

Jack Bauer killed 93 people in just 4 days time. Seriously.

Jack Bauer would laugh in the face of danger, but Jack Bauer doesn't laugh.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Jack Bauer.

If Jack was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Myers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice, then kill both dictators with his bare hands.

Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.

Jack Bauer literally died for his country, and lived to tell about it.

God created the universe in 6 days. That's 5 days 23 hours and 59 minutes longer than it took Jack Bauer to create God.

Jack Bauer once shot a terrorist plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer then killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.

Jack Bauer's favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.

Jack Bauer taught Jesus how to die and then come back to life.

Jack Bauer hates casual conversation. He prefers bullets.

Jack Bauer would have gotten the ring to Mordor in 24 hours.

Jack found Waldo in one hour. The only reason he didn't find him sooner was because of daylight savings time.

Jack Bauer knows where Carmen San Diego is.

Jack Bauer does not miss. If he didn't hit you it's because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.

Jack Bauer does not need eyes, he can smell a terrorist 15 miles away, and can hear the fear in their heads from 2 miles away.

Jack Bauer does not sleep. The only rest he needs is what he gets when he's knocked out or temporarily killed.

1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.

In 96 hours, Jack Bauer has killed 93 people and saved the world 4 times. What have you done with your life?

Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.

If Jack says "I just want to talk to him/her" and that him/her is you... well amigo, you're screwed.

When a Jedi senses a great disturbance in the Force, it is Jack Bauer.

If you get 7 stars on your wanted level on Grand Theft Auto, Jack Bauer comes after you. You don't want to get 7 stars.

If Jack Bauer asks for your car, give it to him. And your wife.

When asked at a restaurant how he likes his steak, Jack Bauer replies, "Just knock off the horns and wipe its ass."

Jack Bauer's gun is actually a water pistol, but the water shoots out in the form of bullets. Why? Because the gun is being held by Jack motherfucking Bauer.

If you break one of Jack Bauer's ribs, he'll just use it to stab you to death.

After torturing Copernicus, Jack Bauer got him to admit that the solar system revolved not around the Sun, but around his gigantic balls.

When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jack Bauer jumps out.

When Russell Crowe threw a phone at that guy, Jack Bauer was on the other side of the line.

Every time the cops get an APB to arrest Jack Bauer, half the department mysteriously calls out sick. The fire department too, just in case.

Jack Bauer got Hellen Keller to talk.

Jack Bauer can stare directly at the sun.

While being put under in the hospitabl, Jack Bauer can count backwards from 100 every time.